Yes it's late. But I just watched Ruby and they were talking about eating issues. Why we over eat. Going way back to when we were children. It really got me thinking again about my life. Right now I eat and weigh more than I ever have. It's very upsetting.
My sister and I talked once about how abandonment has happened in our lives. It's difficult and sad to think about. But I see now that it is a issue with me and has been for a long time.
My parents were divorced when I was only seven years old. My only memories of them together are of them fighting. Me standing between them screaming to stop. Then Mom packed us kids up and took us to our Grandparents. Those were great memories. But I always felt like my father abandoned us girls. He showed very little interest in our lives as we grew into adulthood. My Mother was my everything.
When I was Twenty years old I married a cute guy. I was in love. He was a womanizer and Alcoholic. He left me and my daughter to go party. Another case of abandonment. But I had such faith in marriage I had to keep seeking it. Maybe because my sister and her husband and my Mom and my stepfather had strong marriages.
Unfortunately I always picked the wrong men. I honestly tired to make it work. But after a while you leave because you don't want to feel them abandon you. I can't fully commit to a man anymore. And I hate it.
Then I had to become the parent to my parents. Being with them as their health failed and they passed away. Within months of each other. Then I lost a couple good friends. Then a niece. Loss is hard. Grief is a process that we don't always allow ourselves to have. We have a feeling that we have to be strong for the family. But dang it, I'm not. I truly miss my family.
Now I have lived alone with my son for years. He's a adult and has his own life. I'm not really happy where I'm at. But I'm scared to date. Scared to share myself, my time, my home, my everything with someone. Because they will leave. So I don't even try to meet anyone.
My greatest pleasure is eating. UGH! I needed to write this down so that I will stop next time I start to think of food and figure out what's bugging me. I need to figure out other things to do to make myself feel good about myself again. Any suggestions?
I would like to get more active in my church. I would like to get a better job that fulfills me and helps me to feel good about myself. Guess I don't really feel anyone would want me right now. I would like to have self control. And I would like to just enjoy life more. I honestly try.
And I have a great family now. But people do get busy with life. And I'm in a rut.
Ok, I have vented. Let's all dig deep into our issues (which we all have). And realize it's not all our faults. We need to move on. Maybe me looking back was a good thing. Cause I usually try to never look back. But God has a way of having things pop up that remind us. We have unresolved issues and he's here for us. Even things like watching Ruby.
God bless you all.